<--3:05 PM December 26, 2004-->
MY FAVORITE DEAR SANTA LETTERS.......
deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.
I ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career
in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging
book so you can learn to read and write? I'm
giving your older brother the space ranger. At
least HE can spell!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only
thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you,
didn't they?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for
Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to
get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a
screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's
gonna give that up to come back to your frigid,
fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's
time to give up that dream. Let me get you some
nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build
yourself a family with those?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some
G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet
you're gay.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree,
and I left carrots for your reindeer outside
the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the
deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh.
You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you
in China. Every year I give them a slice of
bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in
Vegas, where I spend most of my time making
low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
myself silly and squeezing the asses of
cocktail waitresses while losing money at the
craps table.
Santa
P.S.
Tell your mom she got the part.
�Long Dong Claus
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you
really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in
whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please
please please PLEASE PLEASE
could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your
folks, but that crap doesn't work with me.
You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do
you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's
why you're getting your ass kicked at school.
Second, you don't live in a house, you live in
a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I
get inside your pad just like all the burglars
do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
santa